Jiminy Christmas!

The Death of Auto Tuning

2009-09-04T18:42:00.006-04:00

Shorty, it's over. Like, it's really over this time. T-Pain, we're done with you and we're kicking your shit. In this case, your shit refers to the global phenomenon known as auto tuning. You've popularized it and exploited it for too long. Your lyrics don't make sense and you don't even sing! You use technology for evil and everyone has had enough.

Why today? Because today marks the release of "I Am T-Pain," the iPhone app that allows anyone to use the same exact technology that the mad genius uses in his studio. The same technology that has produced hits such as "I'm N Luv (Wit A Stripper)" and "Buy U a Drank." While the artistic value of these tracks isn't up for debate (they have none), the proliferation of this technology is.

I'm not the first person to suggest that the release of this app is the last straw in the auto tuning debate. Others have said that today marks the death of auto tuning. But wait a minute. Can't good come of this? What's wrong with letting everyone out there be just a little more like T-Pain? Everything. Right?

Well, if this video is any indication of what might come from here on out, not quite.

[Credit]

Spencer Who? Oh...I Don't Care

2009-06-03T12:30:00.004-04:00

I'm not a supporter of reality television. Let me just get that out there. What I am a supporter of, is people acting like retards and supporting the furthering of their public humiliation. Enter: Spencer Pratt. He's one of the contestants on NBC's latest gem I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here! You know, that show that the Rod Blagojevich was almost on.

Spencer is one of those talentless people--and really, he's just some dude--who somehow gains notoriety by chance and you're left wondering, "now why is he famous again?" Well, he's married to Heidi Montag, from Laguna Beach. No, The City. No, Newport Harbor: The Real Orange County. No, WHO CARES. Alright, a quick google search clears things up: she was on The Hills. Right, so he married her and now they're on a reality show, which must be difficult acting wise given their past experience. I mean, they're sort of related--The Hills was scripted, but it was meant to be a reality show. Tricky stuff.

Anyway, thank God they're on it because now we get to see Spencer flex his creative muscles. That's right, he's put out a rap video:

Jiminy Opinionist: Angels and Demons

2009-05-24T18:59:00.007-04:00

[Credit]

"Fuck it." That's pretty much the attitude one has to have when going into any Dan Brown endeavor, but more on that later. The mega author (and now house hold name) responsible for both The DaVinci Code and Angels and Demons has somehow managed to spawn two blockbuster films and sell millions of copies of his pulpy faux historical fiction/thriller/mystery/page-turner-for-dummies novels. Well, the numbers are in and the fat stacks of bills have been counted: Ron Howard has phoned it in yet again and collected another paycheck with Angels and Demons.

Tom Hanks. is. back. as Harvard "symbologist" Robert Langdon, though you wouldn't really know his profession from the plot of the movie. Here's where the "fuck it" theory comes into play.

Average Angels and Demons Viewer Thought Process: Yeah, I guess a Harvard symbologist is sort of like a Law & Order rock star. Fuck it.

A problematic protagonist? We can get past that. This happens a lot in the picture shows these days. But what's difficult to get past is the bad acting, countless plot twists and the exposition heavy dialogue (the worst offense). And it's not going to get better any time soon. With Brown's next novel The Lost Symbol coming out in September, it won't take more than a year for Hanks & Co to churn out the next cash vaccum in the franchise.

The only good news out of all this? A&D isn't performing too well at the box office! With an opening weekend of just $46 million, things could be a little dicey for the next film. But, chances are the film will break even and they'll just keep making these suckers. Damn.

Bottom Line: Skip it. You'll get just as much history watching reenactments on the History Channel that are actually true and better acted.

This Week in Shameless Self Promotion (TWiSSP)

2009-05-22T11:49:00.003-04:00

[Credit]

Jiminy Christmas is proud to introduce a brand spanking new feature called This Week in Shameless Self Promotion (TWiSSP). Each week I'll post some drivel about something that only benefits me and what I'm doing outside of writing this blog. Thanks for playing along!

I know, I know. I've been away from the wheel for a while over here at Jiminy Christmas. When I checked on the site today, imagine my surprise when I saw that there were no new posts! Who has been running this ship?! I figured, now that I have about forty regular readers (surely an exaggeration), this thing would sort of just go on auto pilot and I could start collecting my checks and deposit them in an off shore Cayman Islands bank account. Apparently you can't simply "phone it in" and run an award winning blog*.

Anyway, we're back. And we're introducing a new feature. With TWiSSP, I give myself a chance to let you know about what else is going on outside of Jiminy Christmas. Recently, I've been helping out over at Eater, a fantastic NY Foodie blog. I've written a couple of posts (links below), taken plenty of photos, scoured the web for stories that other people can write about and gone to a few fancy press events. If you're at all interested, check out my posts and if you're not, at least check out eater and the other (more capable) people that run the site.

Eater Stories:

-More Neighborhood Angst for Former Isabella's Oven Space

-Good News/Bad News: Anella

NOTES:
*awards pending

"Motherlover"

2009-05-11T00:20:00.002-04:00

If you didn't catch the new Digital Short on this weeks SNL, it's a doozy. It's called "Motherlover" and it's the newest JT/Samberg mashup that takes place five months after "Dick in a Box." I wasn't a huge dick in a box fan, but I'm glad to report that this new track is hilarious and the video is seriously priceless, especially with the Susan Sarandon and Patricia Clarkson cameos.

It's been a busy week, more real posts to come soon. Until then, stew on this:

Jiminy Christmas Has Swine Flu!

2009-05-01T14:21:00.004-04:00

BREAKING NEWS:

This just in. My blog has N1H1, also known as the swine flu! Run for the hills! Or just another website...

Apparently my pig readership (and that is my best demographic) is up in arms about some of the comments I made in a post about the swine flu a few days ago. Well, they've clearly taken action.

This is directly from my google ads bar on the side of my blog (which you are totally free to visit and check out). As you can see, not only are people capitalizing off the fear of N1H1 by selling silly masks, but apparently, the only ads my page will display are related to the piggish pandemic.

First, the flu is a baby killer, and now it takes on my poor, innocent blog. If anything, this proves that these pigs aren't too smart--there are certainly other blogs that have far more readership than I do. I'm fairly certain that you can't catch the flu from just reading this page, but I'd buy one of those masks just in case.

I'll certainly keep a close watch on this story and keep you updated. Until then, express your sympathies and good thoughts in the comments section.

Jiminy Statistics: Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (Incudes Pie Chart)

2009-04-30T11:28:00.005-04:00

Now I'm no bookie, but I'm pretty sure that lady luck is on my side here.

I was walking down the street with my girlfriend last week and we were confronted with one of the many advertisements for the upcoming train wreck of a movie, "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past." This followed:

ME: God. That movie looks horrible.
GIRLFRIEND: I bet you'll eventually see it somehow.

Wait, what?! Despite my love for McConaughey--I mean, Surfer,Dude is completely brilliant--I was immediately sure that I wouldn't be seeing this latest entry in the McCannon.

But then I got to thinking. What are the odds that I'll see this? I came up with this:

Clearly, the odds are in my favor. But I'm not too worried that Matthew won't have a chance to redeem himself very soon. A quick check with his IMDB page shows he'll be leading man in the 2011 film, Hammer Down. The dude that directed Gridiron Gang, that awesome movie with The Rock and Xzibit, is at it again, helming this sure to be instant classic. But my favorite part? The plot summary. In an attempt to get back into the racing world, a former NASCAR driver takes the shifty responsibility as wheel man on a major heist. Hell yes! That's totally logical. I love it.

I'll never give up on you McConaughey. You'll make a watchable movie one day, I know it.

Swine Flu - It's Sweeping the Nation!

2009-04-28T22:51:00.005-04:00

I don't know how this happened, but somehow it's been nearly two weeks since my last update. Unacceptable, you say? Agreed.

It only seemed fitting that I come back with something important. Something so important that it's being covered non stop by everyone from Matt Lauer to Glenn Beck. So, in the spirit of importantness, I'm tossing in my two cents on the swine flu. Some are calling it a pandemic, some an epidemic, but I'm just calling it a good thing. Yes, the swine flu can be looked at positively, it doesn't have to be all doom and gloom propaganda. Here's the headline I've yet to see and, frankly, I'm a little surprised.

"Swine Flu Sweeping the Nation: Jews Win Again! "

This seems totally logical. What do you think?

To see The Daily Show's take on the story, see the video below.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

M - Th 11p / 10c

Snoutbreak '09 - The Last 100 Days

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Paul Rudd Dancing

2009-04-14T21:44:00.003-04:00

Paul Rudd just can't stop dancing (here and here). The I Love You Man star continues his quest to be the male version of America's sweetheart. Also, if there's a term for that, please let me know. Honestly, I'd use that daily.

Now Sir Dance-a-Lot (whatever, I'm tired) has followed in the footsteps of many before him and conquered Sesame Street. Though it should be said that no previous footsteps have been so graceful.

Who would want to leave this guy?

2009-04-13T16:17:00.004-04:00

[Image credit]

There's nothing to make my Monday like news that Mel Gibson's wife Robyn has filed for divorce. Now why would she want to leave that Jesus loving, Jew hating, DUI convicted fading movie star?

Gawker reports that the Gibson's didn't have a prenup either. Whoops! Looks like Mel's going to need to push out Passion of the Christ II in order to scroung up enough cash to survive the gouging he's sure to take in court.

All I have to say is that I hope there's no sequels to any Mel Gibson movies coming out soon. I was just joking. Well, except What Women Don't Want. In this sequel to Gibson's 2000 "senstive guy film," What Women Want, Mel Gibson would realize women really don't want him and, after repeatedly denying it, have to confront it head on. Over and over again.

Fast and Furious - A Tale of Box Office Bewilderment

2009-04-12T23:43:00.007-04:00

This probably deserves a "F#$k That" label slapped across it, but that seems like a bit of a cheap shot. Fast and Furious is so obviously a steaming pile of doo doo that it's just unnecessary to do so. Plus, it's the #1 smash hit of the year!

What is it about fast cars, beautiful people (see abs above) and kick ass action sequences that drive (honestly, no pun intended here) people to see this film? I mean, it's made nearly $120 million in two weeks!

I'm puzzled. I don't get it. 2 Fast 2 Furious. I get that. You Ludacris AND Paul Walker. Yet that film only opened with $50 million? Color me bewildered. And then you have 2005's The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, the black sheep of Universal's money grubbing family. Raking in a paltry $23 million opening weekend, Tokyo was an absyml failure. I don't know about you, but I thought the franchise was dead for sure! But no, now they've gone and done it again. Universal has reunited the all star, powerhouse cast that's been doing nothing but making flop after flop since the origional film debuted nearly a decade ago.

Have I seen the film? Of course not. Will I allow it to take up space in my Netflix queue when it comes out on Blu Ray? I wouldn't dream of it. Will I watch it on late night HBO over a rerun of ER: Season 6 (right after George Clooney left)? Probably. But I'm sure that late night viewing won't help me understand why this movie has made and will continue to make so much money. Can someone help me understand?

Jiminy Christmas, F#$k That!

2009-04-06T23:00:00.007-04:00

It's time for another installment of Jiminy Christmas, f#$k that! This is the segment where I take a look at something that's just really making me mad. Today, we have two culprits.

[Photo via People]

That's right, man eater Tyra Banks and master impregnatologist Levi Johnston faced off today on "The Tyra Banks Show." While somehow avoiding to ask Levi how much he loved her, her show, or the American Next Top Model Franchise, she couldn't help but keep her hands off him.

But being the real journalist Tyra is, it wasn't all fun and games. Tyra managed to ask some serious questions and get some serious answers.

On the subject of safe sex, something close to Tyra's heart, no doubt, Levi had this to say:

Man Eater: I have a personal question. But you're on my "Tyra Couch, so there are no personal questions. [Creepy]
Levi: Alright.
Man Eater: Were you practicing safe sex?
Levi: Yeah.
[Levi responds as if he has been asked if he'd like fries with that]
Man Eater: So there were just like, wardrobe malfunctions?
[OH I get it! A reference to Miss Jackson a few years ago! Nice Tyra]
Levi: I guess.
Man Eater: Every time you practiced safe sex?
Levi: Yeah.
Man Eater: Every time?!
Levi: Yeah.
Man Eater: Levi... [That's Tyra's signature move. In trying to be coy, she scares her interviewee into submission]
Levi: Most of the time.

Oh snap! Look out Morley Safer, the Tyra train has just pulled into the station. You see how she did that? Using her unprofessional, ineffective, self taught journalism tactics, Tyra was able to get the information that...no one cares about out of poor Levi Johnston.

No one cares. Tyra Banks deserves the lime light? Jiminy Christmas, f#$k that! Listen, I get it. You're not a viable model anymore so you have to look for new ways to sustain your lifestyle. Can't you just do a clothing line or get a singing career like everyone else. Although, I'm glad TB hasn't ventured into acting (see why).

And you Levi! You think people care about whether you wrapped up you're Alaskan Halibut when you stuck it Bristol?! Sorry golden boy, your fifteen minutes were up long ago. So why don't you move along with Tyra. I'm sure you have a decent singing voice. Maybe you two could try out a duet? Doesn't matter.

Just stopping giving unnecessary attention to your evil-almost-mother-in-law-bitch-of-a-woman. Please.

My Latest Obsession

2009-04-05T12:37:00.003-04:00

I've got a new obsession. It's not a trendy diet, a new raw food restaurant, or quizzical Japanese imported game show. No, it's something much greater than all of those. It's called the "Daily Premise" and it's a website. Please don't call it DP, because that's just nasty.

The idea behind the site is that they post a number of movie premises every day. But like any good movie, there's a twist! They're all hilariously funny. At least I think they're funny.

Exhibit A:

A malformed giant gets accepted into a small, liberal arts college and is soon approached by TLC to star in their new reality show, Big Man: On Campus.

HA!

Don't think giants are funny? Have an inexplicable grudge against TLC? Okay, how about this one?

A killer who works at a restaurant chooses his victims from the business cards in the free lunch drawing.

Clearly, this is great stuff. I have no problems posting about other blogs that are far funnier than my own. I just hope everyone respects and realizes that.

You can follow the Daily Premise on Twitter or visit their site here.

French Fashion Faceoff!

2009-04-03T12:18:00.003-04:00

[Michelle Obama and Carla Bruni, Right Before Michelle Pounced that Bitch]

What's the biggest news to come out of Obama's trip to London for the G-20 and France for a NATO meeting? I've been hearing a lot of numbers thrown around--2 trillion here, hundreds of billions there. But none of that matters. No, the most important story involves two fresh new faces to the world political scene, squaring off in only a way that two of the most powerful women on Earth can. Of course, I'm talking about a French Fashion Faceoff.

Finally! These two super women meet for what is sure to be an epic showdown. The eyes of the world are on Paris. Yes, everyone from CNN's Don Lemon to MSNBC's Chris Matthews has been all over there one and rightfully so. Drawing comparisons to Jackie Kennedy, Michelle Obama is arguably the most visible first lady in decades. Plus, the woman can wear some JCrew! So forget some silly garden she planted, focus on the fashion.

And her challenger? Carla Bruni. She's Italian born, a former singer and model and all around French sex symbol. A formidble oppointnet, for sure. She's got that arrogence and sass about her that only French women can carry off.

But like Joe Biden, no one messes with Michelle. Not only does she have a dominating phsyical presence, she's a powerful woman when it comes to public presence as well. I call this faceoff in favor of First Lady Obama. Keep in mind, I have no real fashion experience, nor have a mentioned anything about fashion in this post besides JCrew, because that's about as far as my fashion knowledge extends. So...this I could be totally wrong here.

[Original story via Huffington Post]

Google's Nerdy April Fools Joke

2009-04-01T14:24:00.004-04:00

Jiminy Christmas is all about having fun. Honestly, it's totally encouraged and preferable to not having any. But April Fools jokes have always seemed childish, never really able to break out of that 5-12 year old age range of acceptability.

All that has changed because of the folks at Google. When Google pulls an April Fools prank, they do it right. They don't tape down the bathroom faucet or put your hand in warm water while you sleep, causing you to pee (although that's clever). No, they're beyond all that. Instead, Google chooses to show everyone that while they're all genius techie nerds, they can also use those powers for good in addition to simply achieving world domination.

This year, they've come up with Google AutoPilot, a new "feature" they've got plastered all over the Gmail page. Under this totally fake feature, Google will automatically create replys to emails based on a complex analysis of the text. They've got this example up on their page:

Priceless. Google puts everythign else to shame. Except its overly inflated stock price, which is just shameful. Check out the full story here.

The Politics of Porn, British Style

2009-03-30T23:53:00.007-04:00

And it all comes back to the British, first this and now this. Jacqui Smith, Britain's Home Minister, whatever that is, has gotten herself into a little bit of trouble. And it's embarrassing. If my reimagining of Bruce's album cover didn't give it away--it involves porn.

You see, Jacqui and her husband were on a business trip. Official, British business stuff. After a night out at the pub, or maybe just an afternoon tea, they went back to their hotel. And then they ordered five dirty porno films together. Oh, and they put it on her government expense account. What a pair of badasses. She's under investigation, but you know that nothing's going to happen. That's just not how the Brits do it.

What would happen, say, if Joe Biden was on official "don't mess with Joe" business and got lonely one night in his hotel room and tossed the charges for the latest flick in the Busty Babes trilogy to the good ole' tax payer? No more Joe.

That's the great thing about Europe--they don't give a shit about politicians. They don't care about their private lives, only about public policy. They separate work from play, as it should be. But in America, any tiny tidbit about a politicians personal life can't help but make its way onto one of the many 24 hour news channels. Remember Larry Craig? Yeah, he was that pervy guy who got caught doing naughty things in an airport bathroom. I bet if his name was Pierre Craig and he was in the French National Assembly, he'd be golden. But instead, he's donezo.

So what's the lesson here? What can we learn from Jacqui Smith, besides her hilarious penchant for government subsidized pornography? Maybe American's can finally take a cue from our neighbors across the pond--let's keep our noses out of the private lives of our public servants.

[Original Article via Huffington Post]

BitTorrent? Yes Please.

2009-03-28T12:47:00.004-04:00

Here at Jiminy Christmas, it's not all fun and games. Sometimes I want to help.

For those of you who haven't been introduced to the useful, wonderful and highly illegal world of BitTorrent, well, you're missing out.

For the uninitiated, BitTorrent is basically the big brother of older P2P file sharing sites such as Napster and KaZaA. With these sites, you had one self contained program that served as your search engine and allowed you to download files.

Well, welcome to free stuff v2.0! With BitTorrent, you still have a program that downloads everything for you. But as far as searching goes, you're able to download torrents (the files that contain the data that will later become your movie, tv show, application) from literally hundreds of sites. But how does it work!?

Gizmodo, part of the Gawker media network and featured on my required reading list, has a great "how-to" guide on everything you ever wanted to know about BitTorrent. You can find it here.

As for the photo, that's Omar from HBO's The Wire. Certified bad ass.

Vince, The ShamWow/Slap Chop Disaster

2009-03-27T17:30:00.004-04:00

I don't even know where to start with this one.

Vince from ShamWow is up to his no good tricks again. And by no good tricks, I mean his amazingly effective, Jersey shore-esque sales techniques. By now, everyone in the world has seen Vince do his thing on the ShamWow infomercial--I own three. Just kidding. Only one.

But Vince has put all that behind him. He's moved on. To the SLAP CHOP! As far as I'm concerned, this guy can do anything. The clip's below.

Top Five SlapChop Moments (mostly puns involving "slap" or "chop":
1. "You're going to love my nuts!"
2. "You're going to be in a great mood all day, because you're going to be slapping your troubles away."
3. "You don't have time to make breakfast, you're going to have an exciting life now."
4. "The onions with the skin. This is going to make you cry, you're making me cry!"
5. "And watch this! Taco's, fettichini, martini, bikini"

Oh, and by the way, this guy just got arrested for beating up a hooker. After she tried BIT HIS TONGUE OUT! Surprised? Yes. I'm surprised it took him this long to get arrested for something. I'm also surprised the hooker would get anywhere near his tongue. Poor judgment. At least he got a nice portrait out of it?

[Image via GAWKER]

Julia Roberts Being Herself

2009-03-27T11:17:00.004-04:00

Julia Roberts. She's got everything--that smile, the roles in classic films like Pretty Woman, the insanely short marriage to Lyle Lovett. But now, she's just washed up and bitter. Her latest film, Duplicity, hasn't been faring too well at the box office. So this week on Charlie Rose, she said she doesn't want to talk about acting, because it BORES HER. Too bad Julia, you're an actress and you're on Charlie Rose, what the hell else to do you want to talk about? So just smile and show us that abnormally large mouth of yours.

Clip below:

Progress Report: Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

2009-03-27T00:55:00.007-04:00

A little background: Jimmy and I haven't always gotten along. I mean, he seems like a nice enough guy. But when it came to his tenure on SNL, our relationship was at an all time low. Jimmy would ruin half of the skits he was in by laughing incessantly when anyone would say anything funny.

But now Jimmy's all grown up. Donning a sharp suit and talking with important folks five nights a week on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy's been working on filling Conan's giant shoes (literally, he's a goddamn giant) for the past four weeks. At first, I was a little skeptical. Even leading up to the show, Jimmy reminded me of one of those spoiled kids who's given every advantage (tutors and such), but no one really understands why. Really, they promoted the shit out of this show! But that's the past. Who cares? Everyone wants to know, how's it been going?

Pretty well, actually. It'd be hard for things to be going too badly--he somehow scored The Roots as his house band (one of those advantages I was talking about), an amazing set, and an all star line up of guests. And he's charming! He's everything Jeff Zucker could ever want in a late night host whipping boy. I mean, he played beer pong with Anna Kournikova last night (here), who, by the way, is such a mess that she deserves her own post. Despite the beer pong playing theme he's been keeping up (he played with Serena Williams too), he's really trying to change things up.

So he should be smooth sailing right?

Well, he's still got that laughing issue. Even when it's not in a bit and someone actually says something genuinely funny, Jimmy can manage to lower the funny factor a few notches by giggling a little too long. Also, I'm not sure who is writing his monologue, or if the writing is even the problem, but sometimes it's downright painful.

Overall though, I'm here to say that he's worth watching. I'm all for supporting late night and believe that he'll grow into the job, just as Conan did. So make sure to check out Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, weeknights at 12:37 on NBC.

"Where The Wild Things Are" - Trailer

2009-03-25T15:58:00.004-04:00

With Obama pulling in bigger ratings than anything on TV to tell everyone how horrible everything thing is, here's something to really look forward to.

In a not so rare moment of procrastination I came across this just released trailer of a film that has seemed to be in development forever. David Eggers and Spike Jonze are adapting the classic children's book "Where the Wild Things Are." While adorable, this gave me countless nightmares as a child, so naturally I'm in love with it now.

Jiminy Opinionist: Billy Elliot - The Musical

2009-03-24T11:31:00.017-04:00

One day on the job and I'm already plagiarizing. Opinionist is a feature on the wonderful Gothamist, a blog I respect, but have no professional relationship, casual relationship or even imaginary relationship with at all. I don't know these guys, but "Jiminy Opinionist" just sounds so right.

Periodically, I'll post a review or even just a series of nonsensical thoughts--whatever I please--about something. A play, a restaurant, a television show or a brand new Milton Bradley board game (though I'm a total Parker Bro's fanboy).

Today Jiminy Opinionist tackles "Billy Elliot: The Musical."

My Take: It's hard to believe that it took this long (10 years) for this crowd pleasing, sentimental film to be translated to the Broadway stage. But this year, after making mo' pounds in the UK then da queen makes knights (for another shocker, see the real mother england), Billy Elliot has finally come to America.

Great right? In these troubled times, with Obama's honeymoon over and the economy in the toilet, who doesn't want to pay $126.50 to see the upflifting story of a British boy who wants to learn ballet and go to art school rather than be a productive member of society and start a career in mining, a field that has no future and will probably kill him? Well, all sounds rosey, but it's not all rainbows and unicorns with this one.

I love British things. Ricky Gervais. Hilarious. BBC News. Informative and sometimes unintentionally hilarious. Fish and Chips. Delicious, but fattening. But Billy Elliot: The Musical, didn't quite do it for me. The usual problem with these things are that they're "too British." Like "Fawlty Towers," that old John Cleese British sitcom. Slapstick comedy in an old hotel with people who have funny accents? That's just too British. But since normal British things are good and too British things are bad, that brings me to this conclusion: Billy Elliot is not British enough!

Let's Recap:

The production, clocking in a quick THREE HOURS, feels long and drags on and on. I was constantly checking my watch, wondering why the number I was watching was even in the musical. There's a number where there are giant dancing dresses on stage during a dream sequence with Billy's cross dressing friend. Isn't the cross dressing friend wearing the dress enough?! Do you really need 15 foot dresses (literally) prancing across stage like some high budget peep show for giants? No. No you don't. And Billy Elliot doesn't either.

So the wait was for nothing. Well, that's not entirely true. Billy can certainly dance. Not much of a singer though--prepubescent voices don't fare too well when it comes to singing about poverty stricken coal mining towns, apparently.

Stay tuned for more Jiminy Opinionist!

Jiminy Christmas, f#$k that!

2009-03-23T23:15:00.012-04:00

Jiminy Christmas, f#$k that!

This is something I'll do at least once a week on here. Basically, anything that strikes me unusually and unacceptably retarded, will be showcased here and ranted about for at least two paragraphs. Obviously, there are some weeks where I encounter more of these situations than others, so those weeks will earn multiple posts. Totally logical.

Just to give an idea of what I'm describing, here's a classic "Jiminy Christmas, f#$k that!" esque situation from a week ago.

McDonald's is an American institution. They alone can largely be blamed for the ever increasing childhood obesity level as well the limitless french fry filled smiles plastered across countless faces of young kids with happy meals in their laps. Over the years, Ronald and the Hamburgler have made various attempts to reign in the business the mom's who drive the Suburban's that transport this core customer group. Failed attempts include (but are not limited too) the McRibb, the Filet o' Fish, and countless other items that are certainly not what they claim to be.

Enter the newest perplexing item to grace the McDonald's menu--Premium Roast Coffee. This is more of a movement and, I mean, I get it. Starbucks is taking over the world. Oh wait, they closed hundred's of locations this past year and posted record loses. Oh well, still makes perfect sense.

If that wasn't enough, here comes the best part.

IT'S STILL MCDONALD'S. Across the street from the building where my classes are, there is a McDonald's on Broadway and Waverly. I've been told that this is one of the most successful locations in the entire franchise. So obviously, this place is pushing the premium roast coffee to rich, white NYU students like it's adderall (totally not as cool, for the record).

I was desperate. I ordered a small. My dialogue with the so called "employee." We'll call her, "employee."

ME: Small coffee please.

"EMPLOYEE": Small premium roast coffee.

ME: Yeah, sure. With half and half.

"EMPLOYEE": What's that?

ME: Coffee with half and half.

"EMPLOYEE": Half coffee half milk?

ME (defeated): Coffee with cream please.

Just...just wow.

Mission

2009-03-23T22:40:00.001-04:00

Jiminy Christmas!

Living in New York is fun. You're a part of it all. There's great food, beautiful people, high fashion, thought provoking museums and lots of homeless people roaming the streets, simultaneously declaring their superiority over you as well as their undeniable bat-shit craziness. Wait. What? Jiminy Christmas! Bat-shit crazy homeless people? Yes.

And that's what I'll write about. Things that make me stop for a second and say, "that can't be right," or "my my, how delightful!" Because after all, it's the surprises in life that make things interesting...

No, that can't be right.

Yeah and I'll probably write about food a lot. But I swear it's not just another New York food blog!