The Death of Auto Tuning

Shorty, it's over. Like, it's really over this time. T-Pain, we're done with you and we're kicking your shit. In this case, your shit refers to the global phenomenon known as auto tuning. You've popularized it and exploited it for too long. Your lyrics don't make sense and you don't even sing! You use technology for evil and everyone has had enough.

Why today? Because today marks the release of "I Am T-Pain," the iPhone app that allows anyone to use the same exact technology that the mad genius uses in his studio. The same technology that has produced hits such as "I'm N Luv (Wit A Stripper)" and "Buy U a Drank." While the artistic value of these tracks isn't up for debate (they have none), the proliferation of this technology is.

I'm not the first person to suggest that the release of this app is the last straw in the auto tuning debate. Others have said that today marks the death of auto tuning. But wait a minute. Can't good come of this? What's wrong with letting everyone out there be just a little more like T-Pain? Everything. Right?

Well, if this video is any indication of what might come from here on out, not quite.



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Spencer Who? Oh...I Don't Care

I'm not a supporter of reality television. Let me just get that out there. What I am a supporter of, is people acting like retards and supporting the furthering of their public humiliation. Enter: Spencer Pratt. He's one of the contestants on NBC's latest gem I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here! You know, that show that the Rod Blagojevich was almost on.

Spencer is one of those talentless people--and really, he's just some dude--who somehow gains notoriety by chance and you're left wondering, "now why is he famous again?" Well, he's married to Heidi Montag, from Laguna Beach. No, The City. No, Newport Harbor: The Real Orange County. No, WHO CARES. Alright, a quick google search clears things up: she was on The Hills. Right, so he married her and now they're on a reality show, which must be difficult acting wise given their past experience. I mean, they're sort of related--The Hills was scripted, but it was meant to be a reality show. Tricky stuff.

Anyway, thank God they're on it because now we get to see Spencer flex his creative muscles. That's right, he's put out a rap video:

Jiminy Opinionist: Angels and Demons

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"Fuck it." That's pretty much the attitude one has to have when going into any Dan Brown endeavor, but more on that later. The mega author (and now house hold name) responsible for both The DaVinci Code and Angels and Demons has somehow managed to spawn two blockbuster films and sell millions of copies of his pulpy faux historical fiction/thriller/mystery/page-turner-for-dummies novels. Well, the numbers are in and the fat stacks of bills have been counted: Ron Howard has phoned it in yet again and collected another paycheck with Angels and Demons.

Tom Hanks. is. back. as Harvard "symbologist" Robert Langdon, though you wouldn't really know his profession from the plot of the movie. Here's where the "fuck it" theory comes into play.

Average Angels and Demons Viewer Thought Process: Yeah, I guess a Harvard symbologist is sort of like a Law & Order rock star. Fuck it.

A problematic protagonist? We can get past that. This happens a lot in the picture shows these days. But what's difficult to get past is the bad acting, countless plot twists and the exposition heavy dialogue (the worst offense). And it's not going to get better any time soon. With Brown's next novel The Lost Symbol coming out in September, it won't take more than a year for Hanks & Co to churn out the next cash vaccum in the franchise.

The only good news out of all this? A&D isn't performing too well at the box office! With an opening weekend of just $46 million, things could be a little dicey for the next film. But, chances are the film will break even and they'll just keep making these suckers. Damn.


Bottom Line: Skip it. You'll get just as much history watching reenactments on the History Channel that are actually true and better acted.

This Week in Shameless Self Promotion (TWiSSP)

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Jiminy Christmas is proud to introduce a brand spanking new feature called This Week in Shameless Self Promotion (TWiSSP). Each week I'll post some drivel about something that only benefits me and what I'm doing outside of writing this blog. Thanks for playing along!

I know, I know. I've been away from the wheel for a while over here at Jiminy Christmas. When I checked on the site today, imagine my surprise when I saw that there were no new posts! Who has been running this ship?! I figured, now that I have about forty regular readers (surely an exaggeration), this thing would sort of just go on auto pilot and I could start collecting my checks and deposit them in an off shore Cayman Islands bank account. Apparently you can't simply "phone it in" and run an award winning blog*.

Anyway, we're back. And we're introducing a new feature. With TWiSSP, I give myself a chance to let you know about what else is going on outside of Jiminy Christmas. Recently, I've been helping out over at Eater, a fantastic NY Foodie blog. I've written a couple of posts (links below), taken plenty of photos, scoured the web for stories that other people can write about and gone to a few fancy press events. If you're at all interested, check out my posts and if you're not, at least check out eater and the other (more capable) people that run the site.

Eater Stories:

-More Neighborhood Angst for Former Isabella's Oven Space

-Good News/Bad News: Anella


NOTES:
*awards pending

"Motherlover"

If you didn't catch the new Digital Short on this weeks SNL, it's a doozy. It's called "Motherlover" and it's the newest JT/Samberg mashup that takes place five months after "Dick in a Box." I wasn't a huge dick in a box fan, but I'm glad to report that this new track is hilarious and the video is seriously priceless, especially with the Susan Sarandon and Patricia Clarkson cameos.

It's been a busy week, more real posts to come soon. Until then, stew on this:

Jiminy Christmas Has Swine Flu!

BREAKING NEWS:

This just in. My blog has N1H1, also known as the swine flu! Run for the hills! Or just another website...

Apparently my pig readership (and that is my best demographic) is up in arms about some of the comments I made in a post about the swine flu a few days ago. Well, they've clearly taken action.



This is directly from my google ads bar on the side of my blog (which you are totally free to visit and check out). As you can see, not only are people capitalizing off the fear of N1H1 by selling silly masks, but apparently, the only ads my page will display are related to the piggish pandemic.

First, the flu is a baby killer, and now it takes on my poor, innocent blog. If anything, this proves that these pigs aren't too smart--there are certainly other blogs that have far more readership than I do. I'm fairly certain that you can't catch the flu from just reading this page, but I'd buy one of those masks just in case.

I'll certainly keep a close watch on this story and keep you updated. Until then, express your sympathies and good thoughts in the comments section.

Jiminy Statistics: Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (Incudes Pie Chart)

Now I'm no bookie, but I'm pretty sure that lady luck is on my side here.

I was walking down the street with my girlfriend last week and we were confronted with one of the many advertisements for the upcoming train wreck of a movie, "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past." This followed:

ME: God. That movie looks horrible.
GIRLFRIEND: I bet you'll eventually see it somehow.

Wait, what?! Despite my love for McConaughey--I mean, Surfer,Dude is completely brilliant--I was immediately sure that I wouldn't be seeing this latest entry in the McCannon.

But then I got to thinking. What are the odds that I'll see this? I came up with this:



Clearly, the odds are in my favor. But I'm not too worried that Matthew won't have a chance to redeem himself very soon. A quick check with his IMDB page shows he'll be leading man in the 2011 film, Hammer Down. The dude that directed Gridiron Gang, that awesome movie with The Rock and Xzibit, is at it again, helming this sure to be instant classic. But my favorite part? The plot summary. In an attempt to get back into the racing world, a former NASCAR driver takes the shifty responsibility as wheel man on a major heist. Hell yes! That's totally logical. I love it.

I'll never give up on you McConaughey. You'll make a watchable movie one day, I know it.