Jiminy Statistics: Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (Incudes Pie Chart)

Now I'm no bookie, but I'm pretty sure that lady luck is on my side here.

I was walking down the street with my girlfriend last week and we were confronted with one of the many advertisements for the upcoming train wreck of a movie, "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past." This followed:

ME: God. That movie looks horrible.
GIRLFRIEND: I bet you'll eventually see it somehow.

Wait, what?! Despite my love for McConaughey--I mean, Surfer,Dude is completely brilliant--I was immediately sure that I wouldn't be seeing this latest entry in the McCannon.

But then I got to thinking. What are the odds that I'll see this? I came up with this:



Clearly, the odds are in my favor. But I'm not too worried that Matthew won't have a chance to redeem himself very soon. A quick check with his IMDB page shows he'll be leading man in the 2011 film, Hammer Down. The dude that directed Gridiron Gang, that awesome movie with The Rock and Xzibit, is at it again, helming this sure to be instant classic. But my favorite part? The plot summary. In an attempt to get back into the racing world, a former NASCAR driver takes the shifty responsibility as wheel man on a major heist. Hell yes! That's totally logical. I love it.

I'll never give up on you McConaughey. You'll make a watchable movie one day, I know it.

Swine Flu - It's Sweeping the Nation!

I don't know how this happened, but somehow it's been nearly two weeks since my last update. Unacceptable, you say? Agreed.

It only seemed fitting that I come back with something important. Something so important that it's being covered non stop by everyone from Matt Lauer to Glenn Beck. So, in the spirit of importantness, I'm tossing in my two cents on the swine flu. Some are calling it a pandemic, some an epidemic, but I'm just calling it a good thing. Yes, the swine flu can be looked at positively, it doesn't have to be all doom and gloom propaganda. Here's the headline I've yet to see and, frankly, I'm a little surprised.

"Swine Flu Sweeping the Nation: Jews Win Again! "

This seems totally logical. What do you think?

To see The Daily Show's take on the story, see the video below.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	M - Th 11p / 10c
Snoutbreak '09 - The Last 100 Days
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Paul Rudd Dancing

Paul Rudd just can't stop dancing (here and here). The I Love You Man star continues his quest to be the male version of America's sweetheart. Also, if there's a term for that, please let me know. Honestly, I'd use that daily.

Now Sir Dance-a-Lot (whatever, I'm tired) has followed in the footsteps of many before him and conquered Sesame Street. Though it should be said that no previous footsteps have been so graceful.

Who would want to leave this guy?

[Image credit]

There's nothing to make my Monday like news that Mel Gibson's wife Robyn has filed for divorce. Now why would she want to leave that Jesus loving, Jew hating, DUI convicted fading movie star?

Gawker reports that the Gibson's didn't have a prenup either. Whoops! Looks like Mel's going to need to push out Passion of the Christ II in order to scroung up enough cash to survive the gouging he's sure to take in court.

All I have to say is that I hope there's no sequels to any Mel Gibson movies coming out soon. I was just joking. Well, except What Women Don't Want. In this sequel to Gibson's 2000 "senstive guy film," What Women Want, Mel Gibson would realize women really don't want him and, after repeatedly denying it, have to confront it head on. Over and over again.

Fast and Furious - A Tale of Box Office Bewilderment

This probably deserves a "F#$k That" label slapped across it, but that seems like a bit of a cheap shot. Fast and Furious is so obviously a steaming pile of doo doo that it's just unnecessary to do so. Plus, it's the #1 smash hit of the year!

What is it about fast cars, beautiful people (see abs above) and kick ass action sequences that drive (honestly, no pun intended here) people to see this film? I mean, it's made nearly $120 million in two weeks!

I'm puzzled. I don't get it. 2 Fast 2 Furious. I get that. You Ludacris AND Paul Walker. Yet that film only opened with $50 million? Color me bewildered. And then you have 2005's The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, the black sheep of Universal's money grubbing family. Raking in a paltry $23 million opening weekend, Tokyo was an absyml failure. I don't know about you, but I thought the franchise was dead for sure! But no, now they've gone and done it again. Universal has reunited the all star, powerhouse cast that's been doing nothing but making flop after flop since the origional film debuted nearly a decade ago.

Have I seen the film? Of course not. Will I allow it to take up space in my Netflix queue when it comes out on Blu Ray? I wouldn't dream of it. Will I watch it on late night HBO over a rerun of ER: Season 6 (right after George Clooney left)? Probably. But I'm sure that late night viewing won't help me understand why this movie has made and will continue to make so much money. Can someone help me understand?

Jiminy Christmas, F#$k That!

It's time for another installment of Jiminy Christmas, f#$k that! This is the segment where I take a look at something that's just really making me mad. Today, we have two culprits.

[Photo via People]

That's right, man eater Tyra Banks and master impregnatologist Levi Johnston faced off today on "The Tyra Banks Show." While somehow avoiding to ask Levi how much he loved her, her show, or the American Next Top Model Franchise, she couldn't help but keep her hands off him.

But being the real journalist Tyra is, it wasn't all fun and games. Tyra managed to ask some serious questions and get some serious answers.

On the subject of safe sex, something close to Tyra's heart, no doubt, Levi had this to say:

Man Eater: I have a personal question. But you're on my "Tyra Couch, so there are no personal questions. [Creepy]
Levi: Alright.
Man Eater: Were you practicing safe sex?
Levi: Yeah.
[Levi responds as if he has been asked if he'd like fries with that]
Man Eater: So there were just like, wardrobe malfunctions?
[OH I get it! A reference to Miss Jackson a few years ago! Nice Tyra]
Levi: I guess.
Man Eater: Every time you practiced safe sex?
Levi: Yeah.
Man Eater: Every time?!
Levi: Yeah.
Man Eater: Levi... [That's Tyra's signature move. In trying to be coy, she scares her interviewee into submission]
Levi: Most of the time.

Oh snap! Look out Morley Safer, the Tyra train has just pulled into the station. You see how she did that? Using her unprofessional, ineffective, self taught journalism tactics, Tyra was able to get the information that...no one cares about out of poor Levi Johnston.

No one cares. Tyra Banks deserves the lime light? Jiminy Christmas, f#$k that! Listen, I get it. You're not a viable model anymore so you have to look for new ways to sustain your lifestyle. Can't you just do a clothing line or get a singing career like everyone else. Although, I'm glad TB hasn't ventured into acting (see why).

And you Levi! You think people care about whether you wrapped up you're Alaskan Halibut when you stuck it Bristol?! Sorry golden boy, your fifteen minutes were up long ago. So why don't you move along with Tyra. I'm sure you have a decent singing voice. Maybe you two could try out a duet? Doesn't matter.

Just stopping giving unnecessary attention to your evil-almost-mother-in-law-bitch-of-a-woman. Please.

My Latest Obsession

I've got a new obsession. It's not a trendy diet, a new raw food restaurant, or quizzical Japanese imported game show. No, it's something much greater than all of those. It's called the "Daily Premise" and it's a website. Please don't call it DP, because that's just nasty.

The idea behind the site is that they post a number of movie premises every day. But like any good movie, there's a twist! They're all hilariously funny. At least I think they're funny.

Exhibit A:

A malformed giant gets accepted into a small, liberal arts college and is soon approached by TLC to star in their new reality show, Big Man: On Campus.

HA!

Don't think giants are funny? Have an inexplicable grudge against TLC? Okay, how about this one?

A killer who works at a restaurant chooses his victims from the business cards in the free lunch drawing.

Clearly, this is great stuff. I have no problems posting about other blogs that are far funnier than my own. I just hope everyone respects and realizes that.

You can follow the Daily Premise on Twitter or visit their site here.

French Fashion Faceoff!

[Michelle Obama and Carla Bruni, Right Before Michelle Pounced that Bitch]

What's the biggest news to come out of Obama's trip to London for the G-20 and France for a NATO meeting? I've been hearing a lot of numbers thrown around--2 trillion here, hundreds of billions there. But none of that matters. No, the most important story involves two fresh new faces to the world political scene, squaring off in only a way that two of the most powerful women on Earth can. Of course, I'm talking about a French Fashion Faceoff.

Finally! These two super women meet for what is sure to be an epic showdown. The eyes of the world are on Paris. Yes, everyone from CNN's Don Lemon to MSNBC's Chris Matthews has been all over there one and rightfully so. Drawing comparisons to Jackie Kennedy, Michelle Obama is arguably the most visible first lady in decades. Plus, the woman can wear some JCrew! So forget some silly garden she planted, focus on the fashion.

And her challenger? Carla Bruni. She's Italian born, a former singer and model and all around French sex symbol. A formidble oppointnet, for sure. She's got that arrogence and sass about her that only French women can carry off.

But like Joe Biden, no one messes with Michelle. Not only does she have a dominating phsyical presence, she's a powerful woman when it comes to public presence as well. I call this faceoff in favor of First Lady Obama. Keep in mind, I have no real fashion experience, nor have a mentioned anything about fashion in this post besides JCrew, because that's about as far as my fashion knowledge extends. So...this I could be totally wrong here.

[Original story via Huffington Post]

Google's Nerdy April Fools Joke

Jiminy Christmas is all about having fun. Honestly, it's totally encouraged and preferable to not having any. But April Fools jokes have always seemed childish, never really able to break out of that 5-12 year old age range of acceptability.

All that has changed because of the folks at Google. When Google pulls an April Fools prank, they do it right. They don't tape down the bathroom faucet or put your hand in warm water while you sleep, causing you to pee (although that's clever). No, they're beyond all that. Instead, Google chooses to show everyone that while they're all genius techie nerds, they can also use those powers for good in addition to simply achieving world domination.

This year, they've come up with Google AutoPilot, a new "feature" they've got plastered all over the Gmail page. Under this totally fake feature, Google will automatically create replys to emails based on a complex analysis of the text. They've got this example up on their page:


Priceless. Google puts everythign else to shame. Except its overly inflated stock price, which is just shameful. Check out the full story here.